Entertain Me This Week

I highly suggest that watching a historic presidential election in your living room with a sumptuous dinner, a group of great friends (one being a staunch Republican) and a plate of hot, chocolate chip cookies should be done more often than once in a lifetime. Hopefully, I will get that chance again. If you happened to miss any part of the election or when they called it for Obama or his acceptance speech, then You Tube it and like it! It was the best television experience I have ever had, even surpassing the Half Pint runaway episode of Little House on The Prairie and the 1997 French Open women’s final when Steffi Graf beat Martina Hingis and then went on to marry the men’s winner, Andre Agassi. Well, maybe not.

I was disappointed that SNL was a rerun. Seriously? It was election week and all you could give me was James Franco whoring for Pineapple Express? He has been boning a girl in my neighborhood so I get to see him up close on dog walks and he is so pretty. But I really wanted more on Saturday night. Sorry, Jimmy. Hope to see you when I pick up a big pile of steaming canine waste. You are so attractive that I often forget it smells like death.

Taylor Swift is making the rounds with her new album, most notably on The Ellen DeGeneres Show where she called out Joe Jonas for being a teenage douche and breaking up with her on the phone. I can’t believe how yesterday that is. Has he ever heard of texting? Then, as a surprise, Ellen brought out Justin Timberlake in the flesh to cheer her up and it was a tween dream. I loved it with all my glitter and lip gloss combined. Like, totally.

This is creepy and old timer, but I cried when I listened to the beginning of A Prairie Home Companion this week when Garrison Keeler congratulated the Obama Family and then broke into “America The Beautiful”. To quote the punch line of one of my favorite jokes, “Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.”

The joke itself, written by the very hilarious, very hairy Sarah Silverman (look closely at her arms) goes something like this:

I was licking jelly off my boyfriend’s penis the other day and
I thought to myself, “Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.”

Sorry Mom, I know you read this. Just tell everyone I am adopted. It is very hip nowadays.

I have been too busy and tired to watch any reality television this week. Let’s just say I bet Charm School on VH1 was heinous with the skanky sluts and their hair extensions, Tyra Banks talked about herself and her booty while trying to be sympathetic to some mall rat of a guest and Wipe Out had several people air lifted off the set and into wheelchairs and obscurity. That, of course, will never be seen by the viewing public. Let’s just say I know someone who works on the show and the shit hit the fan this week. One woman snapped her leg in half on an untested obstacle coarse, most likely covered in Jell-O or Cool Whip. Only a real asshole would try and win $50,000 by propelling herself across a pond filled with shaving cream, rubber buoys and metal planks wearing nothing but a tricycle helmet and bike shorts. You are what you eat and shit, you ate!

Please do not watch The Mentalist. Simon Baker is the new David Caruso. Can’t you see that? Don’t look into the light. For God’s sake! Yet another procedural cop show will only make our country less intelligent, to the point where citizens in high ranking positions of power will think that Africa is one country surrounded by water. Besides, who does the lighting? It looks like all the actors are sitting in a dentist’s chair getting a thorough cleaning. Simon, you need a teeth whitener, stat!

I have a confession to make. I love the show Two and A Half Men. There, I said it. It’s dirty, depraved, hacky at times and Charlie Sheen wears Bermuda shorts, unnaturally pressed bowling shirts and socks with loafers with no sense of irony. I feel better already.

Can someone please vote Elizabeth Hasselback off the island already? Her team lost, she’s pissed and she’s plotting something sinister. Mark my words. That little bleach blond cowlick is dangerous and dumb. Fox News would be lucky to have her.