Up until a week before Christmas I was a Yoga Master. That is what my Wii Fit told me, Yoga Master. Scoring consistently in the 90th percentile. I was like a lean jungle cat perched on that thing nailing my positions. Meh, maybe more like a chubby house cat that could finally reach past it's stomach to lick itself. I was doing well. The board and I were getting along. Happy greetings, very little scolding. Only every once in awhile I would get a "You're wobbling a bit, try to tighten your stomach muscles". Then the holidays arrived and the Wii Fit board sat alone in a dark corner. Christmas lights dancing off of it's plastic sheen. I knew I was in trouble. It was going to yell at me when I got on it. If you go longer then three days without a work out it makes a little snippy comment. "You get the best results if you make exercise a part of your regular routine. Try to come back every day." Apparently the geniuses at Nintendo forgot about a free pass for holidays. I'd sit sipping my 4th glass of red wine eyeing it with contempt. Knowing it was racking up days on it's helpful little calendar, ticking off my absence. I had not done a body test in weeks. That is when it weighs your fat ass, measures your BMI, and marks it on the handy-dandy calendar. Thanks, asshole!
Today was the day. I needed to make nice with the Wii. I had to get back into the Yoga. My body was painfully out of whack. I need some stretchy goodness to re-awaken my fried food filled soul. I dragged out the board, took a deep breath and hopped on. The little miniature Wii board character that tracks your progress jumped on to the screen. It boomed a hearty hello and welcomed me back. Maybe this was not going to be as bad as I thought? Ha! Then the mocking began. It pretended not to recognize me. I was blown away. I was prepared for some scolding, but to actually fuck with my head? A video game was toying with my emotions and making me defensive with it's sarcastic bullshit. The mini board character jumped up and down, "I know you!" It proclaimed. "I never forget a person no matter how long they have been gone!" "Welcome back, Reese's Max!" That is my son's name on the Wii Fit program. Yes, I see the irony of having a handle that includes a popular candy bar on an exercise game. That is what happens when the 5 year old got to choose his name. I wanted to be Italian Sub Chrissy, but I knew better. It pretended not to recognize me! Friggin' smart ass. It proclaimed my days away with a mighty beep as it marked the #22 on my calendar. "Did I want to take a body test?" It asked me. Hell no! Would you?
I entered the Yoga part of the program and my virtual trainer popped up. He was different. He used to have a skinny ratty ponytail on his finely drawn Yoga body. It was gone. His hair was different, but it was the same guy. I called Jamie in the room because I could not believe what I was seeing. I went on and on about how the board mocked my absence and then to mock me even further measuring my absence by giving my Yoga trainer a haircut. I was swearing and ranting, pointing at the screen. Jamie stood there looking at me. He asked in that quiet Chrissy has lost her shit voice, "Are you sure about his hair, Chris?" Of course I was sure. His ponytail was gone. Jamie did not know what else to say but wisely shuffled out of the progesterone filled room. I went on with my workout snarling and grunting the entire time. I still scored in the 90th percentile, but I wobbled quite a bit. Just in case anyone else is keeping track.