For months now my brain has slowly collected great tips from various moms I know and I want to share them with anyone who might give a rat’s…
Always have multiples, doubles, back ups, whatever you want to call them, of your child’s security blanket or your life will end when the said blanket disappears and junior is inconsolable and refuses to stop screaming and crying, making your ears bleed like they would during the encore at a Slayer concert.
Use toothpicks to stack pieces of vegetables and make mini shish kabobs to help entice your toddler to eat foods he would otherwise shun like a prom date arranged by a parent or a Christmas sweater grandma knit. Just make sure he doesn’t swallow the toothpick or your night will get very long and complicated when child protective services asks why your child looks like a canapé on a paper doily.
Throw a birthday party smack in the middle of the week to break up the monotony, help kill an afternoon and free up the weekend for mellow family time where you can sit around watching sports as your child puts away all his toys and vacuum "for fun".
Let your child eat chocolate cake AND cookies at birthday parties to ensure a speed ball sugar high and a marathon nap later on when you can catch up on your reading or watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 on TiVO and finally understand why some people kill.
Always recover your sofa on a fabric that resembles infant diarrhea and macerated peas, thus saving time, money and emotional distress when that generic diaper you just had to buy explodes “slasher film style” all over your living room.
Sometimes, just leave the f#*king dishes in the sink and walk out.
Ikea kids linens and towels – accept no substitute.
Never finish your meal at a restaurant so you can be a lazy sloth the next day and feed the leftovers to your child.
Don’t get a toddler bed for junior until he’s in middle school.
Stash away half of the toys littering your home and in six months reintroduce them into the fray and be a hero of the monumental kind, taking full credit for being the most awesome, generous parent EVER!
Make a plan with a far away, very missed, brilliant friend to have a glass of wine and a phone date so you can catch up, sound off and laugh your ass off at how insane it is that you two used to do acid together but now change diapers, cry into your pillows and fall asleep before you even eyeball the number ten on your clock radio.
Just be Fonzi cool about other people’s shit. It all smells the same anyway.
What’s the worse thing that can happen if your forget something in the diaper bag? Really, what is the worst thing? Really. What? Seriously. Tell me. What?