On August 24th you all need to go to Target or Best Buy or Amazon or wherever you prefer to throw you money around and show off your good credit and purchase a new DVD. See, on that day, a five weeks from today, my friend Kate, the same one whose mantra follows me around like a rapist at a Renaissance Fair (see last post) will have her first movie, The Back-Up Plan, come out on DVD. She is a writer, a really fucking good writer and she wrote a movie and sold it and it got made and it came out in theatres and now it’s coming out on DVD. All of these stages are so rare and so amazing and so difficult in Hollywood that just reading about it should tip your chair over and blow back your hair extensions. To say it is a huge accomplishment is as on point as saying Lady Gaga is Madonna in drag.
Now, I was a witness from afar to all the stages of Kate’s great achievement in screen writing success except the most important one. The week her movie came out I didn’t go see it. I meant to but I didn’t. And then the second week I didn’t see it and then the third. Third rhymes with turd and that’s what I was. At the time the shit was raining down so hard on our heads at Casa de Cohen that everything got pushed aside and put away wet.
But to say that I could not have taken a few hours out of my diarrhea downpour and support a friend is an understatement. I have to live with my bad decision and she has to forgive me or I’ll send her carnations and Candy-Grams until she yells uncle and turns into a fruit basket.
By the time I got called out for my colossal fuck-up the movie was out of the theatres and into the ether. Since then I have been waiting with bated breath for the DVD release but I knew that would never be the same as watching the movie in the dark with popcorn down my shirt, melted chocolate on my pants and a heavenly highlighted cougar behind me talking on her iPhone to her broken-hearted cabana boy.
Luckily, Dave and I were fortunate enough have a mini vacation last week at a friend’s beach house, an unrivaled paradise complete with HIS and HERS toothbrushes and a screening room the size of a Big Lots parking lot. This is not just a theatre, it is a multi-purpose movie palace filled with down sofas and cashmere throws and gold-plated popcorn and platinum-speckled Sweet Tarts. In other words, it rocks out with its cock out and I want to move in.
Our host was lovely enough to arrange to have Kate’s movie screened for us all and it was the thrill that I had missed and the moment that Kate had deserved all along. As the credits rolled and the music swelled Kate’s name came up in curly black font and we all cheered and hooted as Written By Kate Angelo floated across the huge screen.
For fear that I give anything away and hamper your thrill upon opening your very own copy of The Back-Up Plan upon its arrival I will say only this. It was such a rush to see Kate’s words come to life, to have her children’s names in the film, to laugh at a dog with Charlie’s nickname, to see J. Lo and her Butterscotch skin do pratfalls while pregnant and to witness a water birth as hilarious and horrendous as Heidi Montag's monolithic mammaries. I am so proud of my pal for doing such a great job and so sorry I missed the first round.
But hey, I am back in I the ring and ready for another punch. What’s next Kate? I cannot wait!