Today is Earth Day! And yes, this glorious day is significant and worthy of that childish and inflammatory exclamation point because one, Mount Eyjafallajokull is still erupting its consonants all over Reykjavik’s largest known collection of The Sugar Cubes debut album on cassette, a pile of plastic rectangles that quietly sits in a molding box in Bjork’s high school boyfriend’s crawl space, next to the decomposing bodies of all the squeaky women who could never replace her.
Who else could possibly be that emotionally attached to a woman who sounds like a melting Baby Alive with a Klezmer band inserted in its faux anal canal? Who could ever have straight-faced, post-prom sex with a chick who resembles a waterlogged pile of discarded American Girl dolls in a twice-raped coal mine? The earth is yelling people and we should sit up and listen with our Zale diamond-dripping earlobes before it’s too late to take another off road excursion on that screeching ATV that grand daddy’s paltry inheritance bought to replace the love he never felt for you.
It is also a big deal because, I, Dotty, or as my husband loves to call me, “Always Needs A Nap Nancy”, am an official member of The Green Team at Otto’s school and will now try to spend my spare time foot massaging Mama Earth’s bucolic bunions instead of sleep- standing in the Target toy aisle surrounded by a mountain of Chinese-made choking hazards, a mammoth mass of molded plastic panaceas for the unpleasant child that have littered all over the last three years of my life.
That also means I will forever be smoke-signaling to my friends and blog buddies about recycling tampon boxes, saving energy by mountain biking to the new job you should get selling bio-degradable window treatments that smell like a murky, thrice-cleaned fish tank, decreasing your offensively large carbon footprint in the shape of this season’s Manolo Blahnik Jeweled Napa Sandal and encouraging you and your family of fifteen environmentally unfriendly bottom feeders to move into a hand woven yurt with nothing more than a case of Quinoa and an itchy Hemp pashmina.
Happy birthday, Mother Earth. May we all be a little more conscientious and caring when ordering an In-N-Out Double-Double animal style, large fries and a Diet Coke while idling in the bright yellow Hummer that really tweets "me".