I want to write some story of ridiculous redemption or raunchy reflection or whatever I am suppose to write but all I can see right now is the boo hoo and the dark and the no. So much good has been happening around me but I can’t even write about it. Two weeks ago I got back on stage for the first time in four years and read a piece I wrote with a peppering of stand-up. I had a wonderful time. Great people performed, even better people came to support and I got face-raped by a stranger.
Then, my oldest and dearest friend from childhood came into town last Thursday and we spent eighteen laugh-filled, freak-frolicking hours together. It was magical. I felt safe and protected and light.
And all this time I actually thought I was fighting the decent fight. Although my entire household, including our aging, decrepit cat, was on the cusp of sickness I thought for sure it would all work out and the birds would keep chirping. But it didn’t happen that way. The writing got harder by the hour as each sentence felt like pounding nails into a metal wall. The days were painfully weighed down by anticipation and aggravation. And finally, that little bit of rain on the horizon came bursting through and the week slammed into Friday and it all fell apart. Our life, again, was a hailstorm of no, no thanks and not this time.
The world is filled with disappointment. That is part of life. I get it. It makes you stronger and teaches you lessons and helps you grow into the person you are suppose to be. Thank you, Oprah for that quick trip down bumper sticker lane. I know all of that shit. Please add these bright, blithering gems of wit and wisdom to the list. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger and… it all happens for a reason. I promise to put those in my bummer box along side shit happens, life sucks and then you die and finally, my husband’s favorite, more meat for the butcher.
But I am tired. Not sleepy tired but life force tired. I am like a cheerleader left in the rain after a big game with only one bobby sock and a wet pair of pom-poms. I have no ride home, no change of clothes and no idea how to get up off my soaking wet skirt and start over again. Sure, the little claymation, red head always sang, “Put One Foot In Front Of The Other” but someone stole my shoes and punched me in the knee and I don’t have the slightest clue how to start my slow march toward yes.
How do you do it when it all feels pointless? How do you get up and brush off the bad and slip into the awesome? I know a lot of people do not like to comment. My comment section is a pain in the ass because it takes a few steps and you have to choose a name and go through Google. But please, if you have any words of wise or a funny anything or just a good old slap on the back, tell me. Be anonymous. Use a fake name. Yell at me to get it together and stop my sniveling. But please, I need to hear something other than the din of disappointment in my skull and Gwyneth Paltrow’s country wrong.